i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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