...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
