so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
