i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
