my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
