Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
