All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
