I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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