It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
