did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
