I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think my vagina is haunted
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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