guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
