Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
