I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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