Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
