He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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