I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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