I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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