Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
