I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
