If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
