my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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