i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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