I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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