Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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