My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
