I think I am morally bankrupt
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
