Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
