look no pants
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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