fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
