areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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