Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
