I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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