The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
