This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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