No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
