I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
