I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
