So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
