im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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