Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
