I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
