I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
