you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
