swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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