My girlfriend figured out who you are.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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