i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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