Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
high people should be assigned attendants
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
