Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I lost the right to judge tonight
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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