Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I am available for nakedness
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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