Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
