Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
