just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
