I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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